Being Afraid

[michaelboy]

In my early two-digits, I was afraid of my parents dying - as if this event would be unbearably wrong and would absolutely devastate me. I remember the feeling as clearly as the smell of the orange kapok-filled vest I wore while I watched my dad fishing in the Captina Creek and was afraid, that I wouldn't have him one day and that this man in his hip-waders would be gone.



I survived this and other loss - much better than my preemptive mind knew.

I suppose, I am still afraid of such things, but I am much braver with change now -- with loss there is beauty as surely as loss always allows a place for what was.

Comments

[howsmyenglish]

I love those pictures!

As for fear.. My mother's death was far worse for me than I imagined ever since I did try to prepare myself for the worst thing in the world. But I know what you mean nevertheless. Everything is worse when imagined. That's what I keep telling people who think we must be very afraid right now. We're not. We're here.

[tactilemuse]

These photos are just so lovely. What an interesting glimpse into the past. I honestly feel like I couldn't have ever understood how the loss of my mother would impact me. I hadn't been especially close to my family for a while. I had struck out on my own at 17 and didn't really look back. Losing my mom in 2010 before she had even hit 50 was a rollercoaster. Sometimes I think I spent so much more time grieving the loss of a relationship I wished we had, a closeness that never came to fruition the way I thought it would have as a child. Being in my mid-40's now I have had a lot of time to reflect on her being gone and how to best honor and celebrate what we had and who I am. As an aside, I'm planning to sell my house next year (hopefully) and I'm aiming to move just south of where Captina Creek sits in Marietta or Parkersburg.