Still absolutely loving the little Finch self care app, but one downside is that I have not been journaling much at all.

It got me off my social media and youtube addiction, but it has also taken my attention away from here, and I don't love that. I will figure out a way to come back. I think maybe eventually the novelty will wear off and it won't captivate me quite so much. One issue is that it asks for "reflections" and other journal-like prompts, but they are only a couple of sentences and not stored anywhere, so it really just evaporates into space and I can't learn from myself that way, the way I can here. Here I can see my thoughts and review them and look at them from a distance and it helps *so much* in processing the often unhealthy ways I view and internally express what I am feeling or struggling with. I need to get back here.

That said, I put on my app a goal of at least doing a 3 thing per day gratitude practice, here, so I will try that, starting tonight (separate entries for daily gratitude list).

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Today I was able to do some chores in the morning, hash out some issues with Josh surrounding the house that it looks as if we may purchase together (EEP), and took a nice long hard bike ride in the last of the sunny beautiful early fall days before the rain starts in earnest, tomorrow. I will hopefully pivot to housework and baking, lol.

During the bike ride I picked up a glass vase out of a free pile, while starting the (audio) book All The Way To The River by Elizabeth Gilbert. Though I've watched a few of her TED talks, I haven't read any of her books since Eat Pray Love, but despite the fact that her concept of "souls" and "god" does not resonate with me at all and seems childish and cliche and shallow, she is charming and disarmingly honest, her love is real, she is as true to herself as she knows how to be, and that's all that really matters.

I am noticing a theme of following along with people my age, and what happens when we hit our 50s. I actually loved that Jennifer Grey wrote her memoir in her early 60s, and I want to keep an eye out for more books from women of that age, as I resonate with them more than women my own age, who seem to be lagging behind a little, mostly because most of them still have parents, haven't even been without their grandparents for very long, and haven't lost several close friends to cancer, as I have. I feel closer in spirit to 70 year olds than 50 year olds. This is not an exaggeration. I know several 70 year olds and they are just further along in life, in so many ways, that I was forced to be, way too young. Not in every way. Of course there is tons I still have to learn, I am not 70. I am not confident I will reach that age.

Anyway.

After the vase pickup I went to the farmers market for the last ten minutes, was able to get delicious brewed coffee and picked up some veggies and an inexpensive bundle of sunflowers that fit perfectly in the vase I found. Josh met me at a nearby coffee shop and we discussed/resolved more house stuff and I'm terrified but feeling a bit better about it. I still need to finish the home buyers education modules I downloaded, I am going to try to work on those in the morning. I am too tired, tonight. It's stressful but important. I want to understand the closing process better before I actually move forward.

Got a big hug from Ian at the market. I should have messaged Karissa. I will reach out tomorrow.

I didn't journal about Jasmine thinking she lost our mutual friend's cat, and then the cat turning back up magically (I suspect she may have never left and was just hiding).

I have not journaled about the festival, or the vampire ball, or the second trip to Timberline, yet. I want to write about these things, I do. But right now, I want to read my friends page and listen to my new weird quirky river book.

Going to sip this sweet gentle cup of chamomile tea and turn in early, I think. Been really enjoying the red light mask Tyler gave me. I need more mushroom hunting with that guy.

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trimmed Avalanche's claws while she was sleeping. It's the best time to do it, sometimes she barely wakes up to protest. I had to treat her for fleas last week, after several days of suspecting I might need to - but I brushed her with a flea comb every day and never found any signs, until one day I saw flea dirt on her chin (I think the flea was also there but by the time I grabbed her to look it ran off and only the dirt was left, but it was unmistakable. But after I treated her, I checked and checked and checked multiple times a day for dead fleas or more dirt and found not a single molecule of evidence of anything. So maybe I really did catch it before they had a chance to reproduce, and there was really only one? Fortunately she tolerated the medication (pesticide) just fine and now I know she's good for a while.

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I cried and cried and cried over my mom this morning. This happens a lot. Most days lately I don't cry as much, but today it was half an hour of soft sobbing. I don't know what to do, this sadness haunts me constantly. I need to find a healthier way to process it. Maybe I can do some research on how to process unresolved grief. I am so sad about how she died, it was a traumatic process to witness at such close proximity, for so many slow, long, painful years. I am so sad about how I treated her when I was younger, how she treated me, how it was never really anyone's fault, how I know she was doing the best she could with the tools she was given, and so was I. But it wasn't good. Except for the parts that were wonderful. It's just all so heartbreaking and gutwrenching. I get overwhelmed and paralyzed by all of it, regularly. My dad's death is even sadder in many ways, and my grandparents both also died so painfully and miserably, long before dad died, which was 25 years ago now, it's all just too awful to bear. They were all so wonderful in their ways. They seemed powerful and magical to me as a small child. (Well, I never met my dad's parents, but I remember my mom's.) They seemed like everything. To have seen all of them reduced to ash and forgotten is just... untenably sad.

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I showed Josh the 90s movie The Birdcage last night. He asked me why Robin Williams was depressed. He looked so worried. He's seen me so sad for so long, it scares him sometimes. I don't have any way to reassure him, because it feels scary to me too, how sad I get. I do think the app is helping. I think if I can get through menopause, and get more stable, after that I will be in better shape, emotionally. We'll see I guess.

have not been journaling. there has been so much going on. Josh and I had an absolutely spectacular time for our little 1 night 20hr vacation on the mountain at timberline lodge, swimming in a mountain pool all by ourselves, soaking in the hot tub, exploring the PCT and hiking up to Silcox Hut (not quite a mile up from Timberline). such a lovely little respite, and so needed. Josh kept saying he felt like he was on vacation. It was perfect.

I re-watched Dirty Dancing Wednesday night. Why have I been sleeping on this? This is the best movie ever. It was funny, I had mentioned in small talk with a customer that I wanted to re-watch it, and she commented that "it didn't age well." I am not going to argue with a paying customer, but I have to assume she didn't understand that it was set in the 60s? Even though it was shot in the 80s. If anything, this movie is even *more* timely than it was 40 years ago, because in the 80s, abortions were still legal, and now, as in 1968, they are not so easy to access and it's getting harder by the day. Women are dying, like they were then, because of this.

Also the dancing is just so good and Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze are so young and sweet and it's just so fun and the music is wonderful and I love the feel of an 80s movie, it's definitely a comfort place for me, I remember when we had no cell phones or internet, it was such a different world.

I had a hard, hard emotional crash yesterday, waves of grief that felt like drowning. I somehow got through my work day but could not function after. I've spent most of today in unbearable anxiety and struggling with a tummy ache and feeling generally in pain and terrible. I wanted to do some exercise and some crafting and get ready for the festival tomorrow and I've done nothing. I feel so terrible in my body that I just really don't want to get into costume, I don't know how to feel like myself in my faery attire anymore, I'm in so much pain all of the time and my body does not look like I want it to, dealing with aging is just so so hard, at this stage. Such a difficult place. It was like I fell off a cliff and landed all wrong and am still trying to heal all the wounds from the crash and figure out how to adjust to living at this new lower level of functioning and I'm still not fully accepting what my life has to look like, now. Being 50 and riddled with early-onset arthritis after being a high level multi-sport athlete, figure skater, and dancer, is sooooooooooo confusing. There is no consistent messaging for someone like me, I have to just make it up as i go along. I feel unseen and misunderstood and overlooked and forgotten and alone, most of the time. It doesn't feel pretty and I don't want to get dressed up and I don't want attention and I don't want to try to look pretty, it just feels impossible. but I still want to go. Not sure what to do. I need new costumes, a new more subdued, comfortable appearance. But for now, I will just have to use what I have and try to make it work, try to make it as comfortable as I can. We'll see how it goes. I may only go for a short while tomorrow and skip the nighttime stuff. I might go in the rain on Sunday, as the quieter soggier vibe appeals to me. I just want to see people being creative and fun-loving, and I want to get away from reality for a bit.

I'm sad I didn't get to my puppet that I wanted to make, sad I can't prioritize myself enough to set aside enough time for crafts. This needs to change.

Did you know this weekend is the Mothman festival in Point Pleasant, West Virginia? I want to go, one day. I just recently a few months ago read up on what Mothman is, after years of swooning over the images/concept of this cryptid, and I am just smitten.

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I picked up the audiobook of Jennifer Grey's memoir, "Out of the Corner," and it is gripping. I love it. Her life is so vastly different from mine, it's so alien I can't relate and can't even be jealous, it would be like being jealous of a squid or something, I just have no reference point for what it would be like to grow up with love and support and a good education and an astonishing amount of privilege. It's like reading fiction. I was so neglected and isolated and my development was so truncated, I will never really feel like a whole complete developed person. She already was one when she was ten years old.

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I am really enjoying my Finch app, it is keeping me off of the internet which was the main thing I was hoping it would help me with. I still check in but I don't mindlessly scroll compulsively for hours. I am so grateful. There is so much else it is helping me with, too. I brush my teeth every night, I even floss, I trim my nails and wash my face, I take my vitamins, I check my calendar in the morning, I made a to-do list and check things off as I complete them, I do breathing and grounding exercises when I start to feel horrible, it's just ridiculously helpful for someone with clinical major depressive disorder and "trauma brain," I can't even express how grateful I am for this little thing. It only helps a tiny bit with housework, I still am not decluttering and fall behind on cleaning and laundry, I still struggle with avoiding difficult parts of my work though the scheduling/messaging is getting better, it doesn't help much with exercise BUT it did finally get me on a consistent morning physical therapy routine which is HUGE, so helpful in reducing my foot pain symptoms. And it gets me outside for my evening walk, something I used to do consistently but had let go in the last year or so. So grateful. I am not happier, but I am more okay with not being okay, if that makes sense.

one day I will share vampire ball photos.

I missed the Shadowplay anniversary party and it sounded like a blast, I'm sorry I wasn't there for the fun, but I really needed to isolate and self-soothe some really heavy grief that was too much for me to carry. I toasted myself some tortilla chips with grated cheese sprinkled on them and diced up cherry tomatoes and tossed them on top after pulling them from the toaster oven, this was an ideal dinner for how I was feeling last night and I have no regrets. My body looks like someone who comfort eats but that's just where we are at right now, until I find better ways to manage my pain, since i don't take any drugs or drink, food is okay to indulge in, now and then.

I can still do a pull-up, at least on my good days. That counts for something.