chicating (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chicating) wrote2025-08-21 12:56 pm
chicating) wrote2025-08-21 12:56 pm
Entry tags:
Lots of memories...
when I chose my wheelchairs as an Object to write about.(There was a time when I'd never do that, btw.)( Read more... )
house_wren (house_wren) wrote2025-08-18 11:32 pm
house_wren) wrote2025-08-18 11:32 pmlisten to the sky
Tonight, so far, according to the Migration Dashboard, 44,000 birds have flown south over the county. Birds, so many birds, winging in the dark overhead.
Last night, the sky was lit up by lightning that was so far away I could not hear thunder. The lightning strikes were constant, and went on for hours. I stopped watching, afraid that their strobe-like effect would give me a migraine. (Glad to say I did not get one.)
A few days ago I sat on a bench on the hill in the park and had an affogato: espresso over vanilla gelato topped with whipped cream. It was more delicious that I had imagined it would be.
I am overwhelmed by all the things I need to do to care for my body. If I do them I will protect myself from pain. I'm imagining what kind of visual tool I can create for myself that will be fun and a reminder and a motivator. I might draw a Snakes and Ladders board for this.
No doubt many people can just Do The Thing that is required. I can do something for about 18 days and then my attention shifts. It takes me a lot of effort to create a new habit. I resent this. Adhd affects people in different ways. Mine creates barriers to accomplishment.
I'm rereading 'Moscow & St. Petersburg 1900-1920 : art, life & culture of the Russian silver age' by John E. Bowlt. It is full of the most beautiful color reproductions. With a few exceptions, most of the artwork was unfamiliar to me before finding this book. I have a physical copy, but I think you can borrow the digital version from the Internet Archive.
Now the Migration Dashboard says that 48,900 birds have flown over the county. I wonder if they are silent as they migrate.
Thank you all for your posts.
Last night, the sky was lit up by lightning that was so far away I could not hear thunder. The lightning strikes were constant, and went on for hours. I stopped watching, afraid that their strobe-like effect would give me a migraine. (Glad to say I did not get one.)
A few days ago I sat on a bench on the hill in the park and had an affogato: espresso over vanilla gelato topped with whipped cream. It was more delicious that I had imagined it would be.
I am overwhelmed by all the things I need to do to care for my body. If I do them I will protect myself from pain. I'm imagining what kind of visual tool I can create for myself that will be fun and a reminder and a motivator. I might draw a Snakes and Ladders board for this.
No doubt many people can just Do The Thing that is required. I can do something for about 18 days and then my attention shifts. It takes me a lot of effort to create a new habit. I resent this. Adhd affects people in different ways. Mine creates barriers to accomplishment.
I'm rereading 'Moscow & St. Petersburg 1900-1920 : art, life & culture of the Russian silver age' by John E. Bowlt. It is full of the most beautiful color reproductions. With a few exceptions, most of the artwork was unfamiliar to me before finding this book. I have a physical copy, but I think you can borrow the digital version from the Internet Archive.
Now the Migration Dashboard says that 48,900 birds have flown over the county. I wonder if they are silent as they migrate.
Thank you all for your posts.
katriona_s (katriona_s) wrote2025-08-18 06:10 am
katriona_s) wrote2025-08-18 06:10 amEntry tags:
Busy travel days
So my friend, thankfully now I’m safely in UK and enjoying my holiday trip. In Scotland I met many local friends, and enjoyed 2 kayaking trips, they were very successful! Though I have been so busy that found no time at all to post here XD. Today I leave Scotland, going to England, there, no friends meeting so I may have some time to post…
Grey (ofearthandstars) wrote2025-08-17 08:42 pm
ofearthandstars) wrote2025-08-17 08:42 pmEntry tags:
Moss mysteries.
This evening I took a few close-up photos of the moss around the yard for the purposes of trying to identify some of the various species. There are only a few that I'm very confident on the identification, and others I think I may have narrowed down to the genus, but that's it.
This will be a picture heavy post! I hope you can appreciate the variation in the photos, which is not readily apparent from landscape photos.
First off, Leuocbryum glaucum, a pincushion moss, easily identified by the means in which colonies clump and grow in rounded mounds like rolling carpets. Glaucum, for their whitish-tipped green leaves, the pale ends of which get more predominant as the moss dries. In our yard, this is predominantly around our shed, cropping up across a rocky clay and granite bed.
chicating (chicating) wrote2025-08-17 02:16 pm
chicating) wrote2025-08-17 02:16 pm
Entry tags:
Thought about applying...
for a disability and storytelling fellowship. But I'm not gonna do it, because they need everything, like, now, at this point, and because I think the margins I sit on are a bit neater than what they intended--sometimes it really does confuse and hurt me that there does not appear to be a space that is truly mine on this planet that is not a blogging box, but, like, be happy, secure and assertive, right? #Ladyboss. Even special stuff either tells me I'm too special or not special enough.
This, quite frankly, is a head-fuck that I'm tired of being upset by, but I think I'm over it and there it is again! I wish we had disability community that didn't feel like it was on a point system or that I had to collect enough crip skee-ball tickets.
But even though this is not 'my shot", it felt good to imagine doing things in the future again that are not waiting out Medicaid or making phone calls to human cardboard cutout Mark Kelly. I've decided that the next thing that comes along that is even kind of close to the battered old mental building that somebody might call my wheelhouse and doesn't involve my having a lot of extra cash, I'll apply and sort out what happens from there.(And then, probably have some face-plant to write about, because to tell you the truth, I don't feel like somebody who gets what she goes after anymore, now that my Advanced Placement test scores have gotten all moldy. But the glimpse of agency and motion felt good.
my life kind of works when it fits around somebody else's life. Which is about as thrilling as it sounds, as much as I'd love to cut to the part everyone wants and say It Turned Out Okay. But I can't yet.
This, quite frankly, is a head-fuck that I'm tired of being upset by, but I think I'm over it and there it is again! I wish we had disability community that didn't feel like it was on a point system or that I had to collect enough crip skee-ball tickets.
But even though this is not 'my shot", it felt good to imagine doing things in the future again that are not waiting out Medicaid or making phone calls to human cardboard cutout Mark Kelly. I've decided that the next thing that comes along that is even kind of close to the battered old mental building that somebody might call my wheelhouse and doesn't involve my having a lot of extra cash, I'll apply and sort out what happens from there.(And then, probably have some face-plant to write about, because to tell you the truth, I don't feel like somebody who gets what she goes after anymore, now that my Advanced Placement test scores have gotten all moldy. But the glimpse of agency and motion felt good.
my life kind of works when it fits around somebody else's life. Which is about as thrilling as it sounds, as much as I'd love to cut to the part everyone wants and say It Turned Out Okay. But I can't yet.
Grey (ofearthandstars) wrote2025-08-16 04:14 pm
ofearthandstars) wrote2025-08-16 04:14 pmEntry tags:
Friday Five: So Much Edition
From this week's ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thefridayfive
thefridayfive
1. What is your favorite experience in your life so far?
Honestly, I don't know how to begin to answer a question like this - how do you determine a "favorite" of anything? Life changes and ebbs and flows. I'd probably have to put relatively small experiences - like standing at the ocean on the island of Maui, or even just at the edge of the Atlantic in Kure Beach.... or how I feel when I'm hiking and make it the top of the mountains. So I guess the answer is...the experiences of witnessing parts of this world that fill me with awe and a reminder of how small we are in this great expanse of a planet and a universe.
2. What motivates you to keep going every day?
Also tough to answer, because I think the occasional darkness that comes and goes in my life has been more present this year. But I do get up in the mornings and do not lay in bed all day. I guess the possibility of each day, and the animals - they always need to go outside or to be fed, and I feel an obligation to keep them well. For all of my missteps and mistakes, I do believe that I am trying to move through the world as best I can, and that each day has that opportunity to do more.
3. Where do you want to go in life? What do you want to accomplish?
*dark laughter* I once thought that I wanted to change things, for the better, for the environment, for people, for animals. I think now I am going through a crisis of feeling powerless at actually being able to do any of that, through either work or activism. I'm on a lifelong quest to learn, though. And maybe I'll also be brave someday.
4. Is there anything that you regret? Do you try to change it?
Scads and scads of regrets, things that, if I could turn back the clock with the understanding I have now, I would have saved myself and others a lot of pain. I also understand that those things helped make me who I am (for better or for worse). I do still try to change my ways of moving through the world to do the least harm, and the most good - that is why I am still in therapy, to try to tease out the parts of me that are fearful or anxious or stuck, and how to move onwards.
5. What is your most cherished gift you have received? Why do you cherish it so much?
About a year before she passed, my mother crocheted me my own afghan, in my favorite greens. It is the dearest thing I own now. Unfortunately one night after she passed it slipped off the bed and next to the rats' housing, and they happily nested off a corner of it. My now MIL helped me to find someone who could fix it, and they ended up removing about 3-4 inches and then re-stitching what was left (I wish that they had been able to truly repair it with the pattern, but I guess they couldn't find the same yarns). So I am also always a little happy and a little sad when I use it, but on days when I feel like I can't go on, it is the closest thing I have to my mother's arms around me.
serafaery (serafaery) wrote2025-08-14 09:02 am
serafaery) wrote2025-08-14 09:02 amloosened talons.
The mountain was so beautiful. Tyler was so calm and kind and patient. Josh also, who encouraged this venture.
I am not depressed this morning and I am confused about it. Normally I am searching for ways to self-soothe in the morning just to function, but I am all right, at the moment, so I don't need to. It's so abnormal it's disorienting.
Maybe I can actually do some PT before work, today?
I am not depressed this morning and I am confused about it. Normally I am searching for ways to self-soothe in the morning just to function, but I am all right, at the moment, so I don't need to. It's so abnormal it's disorienting.
Maybe I can actually do some PT before work, today?
house_wren (house_wren) wrote2025-08-13 07:22 pm
house_wren) wrote2025-08-13 07:22 pmstilettos are a no no
This morning on the way to the clinic I saw, in someone's front yard, a bouncy castle, on top of a trampoline, that was held in place by the safety enclosure. A BOUNCY CASTLE ON A TRAMPOLINE!!!!!! WHAT???? A BOUNCY CASTLE ON A TRAMPOLINE! I mean, is this a thing? Is this common? Then I sang the appropriate song: "Bouncy Bouncy, Oh such a good time! Bouncy Bouncy, Shoes all in a line," etc. (For the song, find a video using "Bouncy Bouncy" and "crimp." Or "crimp" and "Mighty Boosh.")
Today I had MRI images taken of my eyes and head. You know, that machine that sounds like a jackhammer next to your ear. Fortunately for me, I tolerate it well; I choose a topic to think about and by focusing on that I can ignore the discomfort. I thought about the k-drama 'Another Miss Oh' which I have watched over and over. One of the songs from it ran through my mind the whole time.
This afternoon I got the test results and it was All Good News! Hurrah! It means that we still have to search for the reason I'm having double vision, but it also means no signs of tumors or other nasty things. And no incidental findings. So afterward I went to the gelato cafe and had a delicious dish of strawberry flavor to celebrate.
The rose breasted grosbeaks have left. They have been at the feeders all summer and then, suddenly, a few days ago, no grosbeaks. I remembered about the BirdCast Migration Dashboard and looked up my location. Yep. The grosbeaks have left the meadow. To fly to Panama or thereabouts.
The Oven:
1. The oven broke.
2. The only local appliance place does not do repairs on that brand.
3. Call the manufacturer for help finding a repair person.
4. Talk (is it talking?) to their fake human who says, "Here is the company who can come fix it."
5. Say, "Are you sure they will come here?" and AI says, "Oh, yes!"
6. Call the fix it company. Make an appointment.
7. Repair person does not show up. Fix it company does not answer phone.
8. Next day, Fix it answers phone, makes new appointment.
9. Repair person arrives on time.
10. Repair person is lovely and spends well over an hour figuring out the problem, talking to the manufacturer to make sure to order the right part.
11. Write check for (gulp) over $2,000 to fix it.
12. Fix it company boss is on the phone and he says they cannot do repair. Not authorized. No go. Will not fix.
13. Repair person gives back the check. Goodbye!
14. Call manufacturer. Nope. They have no other recommendations for a repair company. Nada.
15. Sob in SNAFU.
(Note: I didn't do all this phoning and chatting, etc. I have a family member for that. Thank god.)
My troubles are ok troubles. The troubles of the world are terrifying.
On Friday I'm going to go back to the gelato cafe and have a serving of affogato.
Today I had MRI images taken of my eyes and head. You know, that machine that sounds like a jackhammer next to your ear. Fortunately for me, I tolerate it well; I choose a topic to think about and by focusing on that I can ignore the discomfort. I thought about the k-drama 'Another Miss Oh' which I have watched over and over. One of the songs from it ran through my mind the whole time.
This afternoon I got the test results and it was All Good News! Hurrah! It means that we still have to search for the reason I'm having double vision, but it also means no signs of tumors or other nasty things. And no incidental findings. So afterward I went to the gelato cafe and had a delicious dish of strawberry flavor to celebrate.
The rose breasted grosbeaks have left. They have been at the feeders all summer and then, suddenly, a few days ago, no grosbeaks. I remembered about the BirdCast Migration Dashboard and looked up my location. Yep. The grosbeaks have left the meadow. To fly to Panama or thereabouts.
The Oven:
1. The oven broke.
2. The only local appliance place does not do repairs on that brand.
3. Call the manufacturer for help finding a repair person.
4. Talk (is it talking?) to their fake human who says, "Here is the company who can come fix it."
5. Say, "Are you sure they will come here?" and AI says, "Oh, yes!"
6. Call the fix it company. Make an appointment.
7. Repair person does not show up. Fix it company does not answer phone.
8. Next day, Fix it answers phone, makes new appointment.
9. Repair person arrives on time.
10. Repair person is lovely and spends well over an hour figuring out the problem, talking to the manufacturer to make sure to order the right part.
11. Write check for (gulp) over $2,000 to fix it.
12. Fix it company boss is on the phone and he says they cannot do repair. Not authorized. No go. Will not fix.
13. Repair person gives back the check. Goodbye!
14. Call manufacturer. Nope. They have no other recommendations for a repair company. Nada.
15. Sob in SNAFU.
(Note: I didn't do all this phoning and chatting, etc. I have a family member for that. Thank god.)
My troubles are ok troubles. The troubles of the world are terrifying.
On Friday I'm going to go back to the gelato cafe and have a serving of affogato.
chicating (chicating) wrote2025-08-13 04:54 pm
chicating) wrote2025-08-13 04:54 pmDon't want to pick on a nice person...
Or, well, she seems like a nice person, I'm a few degrees from Anne Lamott, probably.But we haven't met.
But, my god, could she get over her hair and its texture already...it's *HAIR*--part of me wants to write her back and say "Get a detangler and a life,"Although, okay, I went to state college, not...terribly successfully, but I still think(hope at this point, really) that it's a physical manifestation of ways that she felt/feels like a weirdo. But, like, what would she say if she were broken for real? But then, I've probably done the same thing with my wheelchair. other disabled people tend not to like me.
But, my god, could she get over her hair and its texture already...it's *HAIR*--part of me wants to write her back and say "Get a detangler and a life,"Although, okay, I went to state college, not...terribly successfully, but I still think(hope at this point, really) that it's a physical manifestation of ways that she felt/feels like a weirdo. But, like, what would she say if she were broken for real? But then, I've probably done the same thing with my wheelchair. other disabled people tend not to like me.
katriona_s (katriona_s) wrote2025-08-13 03:56 pm
katriona_s) wrote2025-08-13 03:56 pmEntry tags:
the booking problem and the surprising solution
10 days ago I have written here I was worrying about the booking of a lodging and kayaking tour both of which have not replied my e-mails. It turned out that the reply e-mails from the lodging have been accidently sorted into the spam folder and I found them safely. In it I also found an e-mail from the kayaking guide in North Berwick in Scotland, saying that they were in the summer vacation at that moment but would repy me within a few days so I decided to wait.
My departure is in the afternoon of 14th(Thursday). On the weekend, 9 Saturday I have packed my travel bag, after supper I finally got the e-mail from the kayaking guide - and, can you believe? He canselled the tours I had booked in June, because he has been sick and could not paddle - since May. Then why on earth did he accept my application?? and why has he not let me know far earlier? Anyway the situation seemed hopeless to me. Just 5 days before the departure, it seemed almost impossible to find alternative guide - Soon after I got the cancellation e-mail I asked 2 another kayaking guides in Scotland I found on Internet but it's unlikely to get the positive reply from them. I have felt totally lost for a while (because kayaking in Scotland was the first purpose of my trip and I have made all my travel schedule to fit those kayak tours), then decided I would leave Scotland 1 day earlier and spend more time in my next destination, England. In North Berwick my friend Rex lives and I was going to meet him during my stay there, so late in the evening of Saturday, nearly midnight I e-mailed him, wrote about that horrible situation and asked him to change the day to meet.
Next morning, on Sunday, I woke up from a bad dream and terrible feeling. I started up the computer and found an e-mail from Rex, and surprised to know that he has been trying to find alternative kayaking guide for me! Though I never asked him about that.
To begin with the conclusion, he introduced me a lady who is a kind of organizer of local marine sports in North Berwick (Rex said she was his friend's friend), and the lady found a good guide who can take me out onto the nice kayak trip on the very date I have been going to. It's on 12 Tuesday. The new guide has gave me some messages and he sound quite professional and kind. Within just 2 and a half day my friend and this lady solved the problem for me. Again I can't believe this!
So, at the moment, a day before the departure, I feel relieved and am looking forward to the kayaking tour from North Berwick beach. Of course I will also need the good weather there XD But, hey, don't you think I have a wonderful friend? During these 4 days my mind was so shaken but in the end, I feel this world is a good place after all...
My departure is in the afternoon of 14th(Thursday). On the weekend, 9 Saturday I have packed my travel bag, after supper I finally got the e-mail from the kayaking guide - and, can you believe? He canselled the tours I had booked in June, because he has been sick and could not paddle - since May. Then why on earth did he accept my application?? and why has he not let me know far earlier? Anyway the situation seemed hopeless to me. Just 5 days before the departure, it seemed almost impossible to find alternative guide - Soon after I got the cancellation e-mail I asked 2 another kayaking guides in Scotland I found on Internet but it's unlikely to get the positive reply from them. I have felt totally lost for a while (because kayaking in Scotland was the first purpose of my trip and I have made all my travel schedule to fit those kayak tours), then decided I would leave Scotland 1 day earlier and spend more time in my next destination, England. In North Berwick my friend Rex lives and I was going to meet him during my stay there, so late in the evening of Saturday, nearly midnight I e-mailed him, wrote about that horrible situation and asked him to change the day to meet.
Next morning, on Sunday, I woke up from a bad dream and terrible feeling. I started up the computer and found an e-mail from Rex, and surprised to know that he has been trying to find alternative kayaking guide for me! Though I never asked him about that.
To begin with the conclusion, he introduced me a lady who is a kind of organizer of local marine sports in North Berwick (Rex said she was his friend's friend), and the lady found a good guide who can take me out onto the nice kayak trip on the very date I have been going to. It's on 12 Tuesday. The new guide has gave me some messages and he sound quite professional and kind. Within just 2 and a half day my friend and this lady solved the problem for me. Again I can't believe this!
So, at the moment, a day before the departure, I feel relieved and am looking forward to the kayaking tour from North Berwick beach. Of course I will also need the good weather there XD But, hey, don't you think I have a wonderful friend? During these 4 days my mind was so shaken but in the end, I feel this world is a good place after all...
serafaery (serafaery) wrote2025-08-11 10:00 pm
serafaery) wrote2025-08-11 10:00 pmseeking peace.
Just wanted to acknowledge, I know three beautiful women who are either terminally ill or receiving chemo for very aggressive forms of cancer. I have lost so many friends and family members, I think this sort of thing becomes triggering, after a while. I bought cards for all of them today, but I don't have their mailing addresses. I will figure out how to ask, maybe in a couple of days I will try.
I am so grateful for what I have. I wish I could find a way to be at peace with this life, as it is, in this moment.
Maybe the stars will help.
I am so grateful for what I have. I wish I could find a way to be at peace with this life, as it is, in this moment.
Maybe the stars will help.
serafaery (serafaery) wrote2025-08-11 06:52 pm
serafaery) wrote2025-08-11 06:52 pmerosion bird costume, butterfly dreams
This lady is amazing and this cosplay is amazing.
...
I am enjoying the inspiration from her channel, and I went back for the fuzzy white fur. I may make a moth or a butterfly or something else; a little white cursed bird, who knows.
I'd really love to make some sort of soft plushy costume that would completely obscure my human form and be easy to interact with, like Totoro, but I am not sure what that would be, yet. I have imagined variations on dragons and birds, but still have come up with nothing, so far. Will keep contemplating this.
I might make my puppet one of our local native blue butterflies. Fender's Blue has a remarkable recovery story, thanks to the efforts of those who also fought for spotted owl recovery in Oregon.
Its host plant is a rare, beautiful purple lupine called Kindaids. I could base a fairy costume on that flower.
I just love its fuzzy lil blue body and those stripy antennae! Many of our local gossamer winged blue butterflies have these characteristics.
...
I am enjoying the inspiration from her channel, and I went back for the fuzzy white fur. I may make a moth or a butterfly or something else; a little white cursed bird, who knows.
I'd really love to make some sort of soft plushy costume that would completely obscure my human form and be easy to interact with, like Totoro, but I am not sure what that would be, yet. I have imagined variations on dragons and birds, but still have come up with nothing, so far. Will keep contemplating this.
I might make my puppet one of our local native blue butterflies. Fender's Blue has a remarkable recovery story, thanks to the efforts of those who also fought for spotted owl recovery in Oregon.
Its host plant is a rare, beautiful purple lupine called Kindaids. I could base a fairy costume on that flower.
I just love its fuzzy lil blue body and those stripy antennae! Many of our local gossamer winged blue butterflies have these characteristics.
serafaery (serafaery) wrote2025-08-11 11:16 am
serafaery) wrote2025-08-11 11:16 amlist of day-wishes/note to self, plus kittens
Natasha made me a slideshow of Avalanche's kitten photos, I love it so much.
Things I'd love to do today: ( things to do list )
Things I'd love to do today: ( things to do list )
katriona_s (katriona_s) wrote2025-08-10 11:27 pm
katriona_s) wrote2025-08-10 11:27 pmEntry tags:
rain
Today it was raining all day. When I woke up I heard the sound of rain - not shower but real rain, it's after a while we have it. Sometimes rain and wind were strong, without sunshine the temperature is a bit low ... still 28° or 29°C - but of course the humidity was high, it's quite unpleasant :(
katriona_s (katriona_s) wrote2025-08-10 11:47 am
katriona_s) wrote2025-08-10 11:47 amEntry tags:
I'm in a kind of mess X(
Soon I'm going to my holiday trip to UK, I began to take out the stuff I'll bring with me from various closets to pack them into the bag. Though yesterday there happened some trouble about my booking and upset me a lot. Now I try to fix the problem, and maybe will change some part of my travel schedule. Just 4 days before the departure... this is a nightmare. I'll report about it here when I can find the solution.
serafaery (serafaery) wrote2025-08-09 09:02 am
serafaery) wrote2025-08-09 09:02 amsoft sunlit weekend.
9am on a beautiful Saturday morning. So much sunshine!
Will try to get on my bike here in a bit and ride up to the farmers market, I don't need anything but the ride will be good for me regardless, I think we are low on a couple things.
Some friends are hosting a bbq so I will try to swing by for that, I randomly bought some hot dogs for it last night even though they didn't ask for such a thing - I don't know how to show up to anything empty handed.
Finally vacuumed out my car. Dodged all the bullets. That place where we used to go when I was a kid is the only one of its kind in the entire city, so weird! It was fine.
I just need to wipe down the inside before I put all my stuff back in the car. The windows desperately need a thorough cleaning. I'll do that after my farmers market run.
Need to box up one order, it's small it'll be fine.
My hands and fingers ache fiercely today, I don't know why. It hurts so much. They are more swollen than usual, but no redness.
I've been failing to take any of my supplements, I haven't been entirely consistent with collagen and I keep forgetting my fish oil. I think getting back on that stuff would help.
Tummy is unhappy.
I should probably try to take a shower before socializing, ha.
So much cleaning I want to do! Maybe tomorrow. I want to tackle the bathroom and the kitchen and just throw most of my stuff away that's been collecting since we moved here. It'll make it easier to move, when the time comes. I need to do the storage unit and garage, too, but that's much more daunting and requires a lot of emotional work since I have bins of my mom's old things in there. I have to give myself permission to ignore that and just keep storing it, if I have to.
I woke up really sad and anxious but my mood is improving. I forced myself to go to Cynthia's last night to catch up and bake pears that were delivered to her doorstep by a neighbor. We ended up making two vegan sugar free pies, they are delightful. We had fun. Hanne has an aggressive form of breast cancer, she has already cut her hair and started chemo. She just got her diagnosis like less than two weeks ago. So things are moving quickly. It sucks but she has really good support, her husband is retired and they have plenty of resources, and she has friends, it sounds like she has as much support as anyone could hope for. I am glad.
I want to send her a card, and also my friend Robin who is going through chemo for pancreatic cancer, and also Naomi. I will pull those out and decide who gets what or maybe buy more if I need to. Will swing by a shop that has nice cards and look for something for the three of them. Sigh.
I've been so incredibly lonely and depressed. I feel a million times better when I am with others, but I rarely can manage the effort to make myself go be social. I tell a lot of stories to myself about being unwanted. It's gotten a lot worse with perimenopause, struggling with disliking my appearance and my body being in a lot more pain than I'm used to (and I'm already used to a lot of pain).
K, coffee is cold, that's my cue to get on my bike and get some sunshine on my skin and these achy joints.
It will be hot tomorrow. I'm okay with that. But worried about the fires. It seems like we're the only western state area not engulfed in smoke at the moment. Our turn is coming.
Will try to get on my bike here in a bit and ride up to the farmers market, I don't need anything but the ride will be good for me regardless, I think we are low on a couple things.
Some friends are hosting a bbq so I will try to swing by for that, I randomly bought some hot dogs for it last night even though they didn't ask for such a thing - I don't know how to show up to anything empty handed.
Finally vacuumed out my car. Dodged all the bullets. That place where we used to go when I was a kid is the only one of its kind in the entire city, so weird! It was fine.
I just need to wipe down the inside before I put all my stuff back in the car. The windows desperately need a thorough cleaning. I'll do that after my farmers market run.
Need to box up one order, it's small it'll be fine.
My hands and fingers ache fiercely today, I don't know why. It hurts so much. They are more swollen than usual, but no redness.
I've been failing to take any of my supplements, I haven't been entirely consistent with collagen and I keep forgetting my fish oil. I think getting back on that stuff would help.
Tummy is unhappy.
I should probably try to take a shower before socializing, ha.
So much cleaning I want to do! Maybe tomorrow. I want to tackle the bathroom and the kitchen and just throw most of my stuff away that's been collecting since we moved here. It'll make it easier to move, when the time comes. I need to do the storage unit and garage, too, but that's much more daunting and requires a lot of emotional work since I have bins of my mom's old things in there. I have to give myself permission to ignore that and just keep storing it, if I have to.
I woke up really sad and anxious but my mood is improving. I forced myself to go to Cynthia's last night to catch up and bake pears that were delivered to her doorstep by a neighbor. We ended up making two vegan sugar free pies, they are delightful. We had fun. Hanne has an aggressive form of breast cancer, she has already cut her hair and started chemo. She just got her diagnosis like less than two weeks ago. So things are moving quickly. It sucks but she has really good support, her husband is retired and they have plenty of resources, and she has friends, it sounds like she has as much support as anyone could hope for. I am glad.
I want to send her a card, and also my friend Robin who is going through chemo for pancreatic cancer, and also Naomi. I will pull those out and decide who gets what or maybe buy more if I need to. Will swing by a shop that has nice cards and look for something for the three of them. Sigh.
I've been so incredibly lonely and depressed. I feel a million times better when I am with others, but I rarely can manage the effort to make myself go be social. I tell a lot of stories to myself about being unwanted. It's gotten a lot worse with perimenopause, struggling with disliking my appearance and my body being in a lot more pain than I'm used to (and I'm already used to a lot of pain).
K, coffee is cold, that's my cue to get on my bike and get some sunshine on my skin and these achy joints.
It will be hot tomorrow. I'm okay with that. But worried about the fires. It seems like we're the only western state area not engulfed in smoke at the moment. Our turn is coming.
serafaery (serafaery) wrote2025-08-07 09:36 pm
serafaery) wrote2025-08-07 09:36 pmnot a good night.
had kind of a rough day, the moon is full, I am having no luck getting into the shower so I can go dance at the club. I can just go for an hour. I just want to pop in I think. No crazy outfit this week, no crazy dancing, just, be in the space I feel safest for a small while. I can do this. Why is it so hard to move.
I have devolved into a really painful and nonfunctional place psychologically and I'm not sure what to do about it.
In so much pain, and so scared about it. Worried for Josh, whose parents' health are failing in multiple ways simultaneously, and seeing how he can't handle it, and seeing how I am on the same trajectory. He won't be able to handle my decline, either. Neither will I. It's going to get so much worse, and I am so scared.
I think I am still too traumatized from the unbearably slow and unspeakably painful way my mother died to be able to ever feel safe or unafraid.
My brain has not worked at all today.
I keep doing crazy stuff like, grabbing the wrong key for the wrong door, I sat on the toilet before lifting the seat, the voice inside my head keeps calling Avalanche "Willow" (my cat who died in 2011, that Avi sometimes reminds me of, they are the same size and softness and they both trill, but they don't look alike, and Wil has been dead for 14 years, so it scares me when my brain does this).
I have been sleeping since 6pm, I think I just need to go back to bed. I can dance on Sunday instead, it's okay.
I feel very lucky that Brandie texted me about the moon. I am sad that our friendship fizzled, but I appreciate her moon texts, they have been consistent lately. I asked her to do this for me when Madoc died of cancer in 2020, as he was my moon texting friend back then and I missed his messages more than I could bear. You know those people that are just able to find where the two of you meet emotionally, and make space for you there.
I have devolved into a really painful and nonfunctional place psychologically and I'm not sure what to do about it.
In so much pain, and so scared about it. Worried for Josh, whose parents' health are failing in multiple ways simultaneously, and seeing how he can't handle it, and seeing how I am on the same trajectory. He won't be able to handle my decline, either. Neither will I. It's going to get so much worse, and I am so scared.
I think I am still too traumatized from the unbearably slow and unspeakably painful way my mother died to be able to ever feel safe or unafraid.
My brain has not worked at all today.
I keep doing crazy stuff like, grabbing the wrong key for the wrong door, I sat on the toilet before lifting the seat, the voice inside my head keeps calling Avalanche "Willow" (my cat who died in 2011, that Avi sometimes reminds me of, they are the same size and softness and they both trill, but they don't look alike, and Wil has been dead for 14 years, so it scares me when my brain does this).
I have been sleeping since 6pm, I think I just need to go back to bed. I can dance on Sunday instead, it's okay.
I feel very lucky that Brandie texted me about the moon. I am sad that our friendship fizzled, but I appreciate her moon texts, they have been consistent lately. I asked her to do this for me when Madoc died of cancer in 2020, as he was my moon texting friend back then and I missed his messages more than I could bear. You know those people that are just able to find where the two of you meet emotionally, and make space for you there.